The Cowards Who Talk Behind Your Back
Let's talk about the Christians who have plenty to say about you in private but go mute to your face.
They'll critique your decisions to their spouse. They'll question your character to their friends. They'll analyze your motives to anyone who'll listen. But when they're standing in front of you? Smiles. Hugs. "Good to see you, brother." Then they walk away and the real conversation starts.
Jesus had a word for this kind of behavior. He told the Pharisees:
Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity. (Matthew 23:28)
Two-faced isn't a personality type. It's a sin. And it's poisoning churches.
Matthew 18 Isn't a Suggestion
There's a reason Jesus gave us clear steps for handling offense and confrontation. Matthew 18:15 says:
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
Notice the order. You go to HIM. Not to your prayer group "for accountability." Not to your spouse "for advice." Not to your friends "for perspective." You go to the person directly. And you do it in private first.
Now, there's a difference between asking a mature believer, "How should I approach this conversation?" and asking them, "Can you believe what they did?" One seeks wisdom for confrontation. The other avoids it. One is preparing to obey Matthew 18. The other is violating it.
But we've convinced ourselves that talking about people is the same as caring about them. It's not. If you care about someone, you speak TO them, not ABOUT them. If you're concerned about someone's sin, you confront it. If you're just bothered by someone's choices, you pray and move on.
The person who talks behind your back doesn't love or respect you enough to risk the awkwardness of honesty. They love their comfort more than your growth. They love their image more than your relationship.
What Whispers Destroy
When Christians whisper instead of confront, watch what dies: Trust. Unity. Honesty. Problems don't get solved—they metastasize. And the person who actually needs to hear truth never hears it. They just feel the cold shoulders and wonder why everyone's acting weird.
A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends. (Proverbs 16:28)
Whisperers destroy relationships. They create division. They spread suspicion. And they do it all while maintaining "plausible deniability" because, technically, they never lied and never confronted.
But God sees it. And He calls it what it is: wicked.
Wait. When's the last time YOU had something to say about someone but didn't say it to them? How many times have you disguised gossip as "sharing prayer requests"? How often have you vented your frustrations instead of addressing them directly? This isn't about "those people." This is about you and me.
Say It to Their Face
Speaking truth to someone's face is hard. It requires courage. It risks rejection. It might cost you the relationship. But it won't cost you your integrity.
What you might gain: a restored brother, a stronger friendship, actual resolution instead of festering resentment.
Ephesians 4:15 tells us to speak "the truth in love." Not the truth to everyone except the person who needs to hear it. Not the truth in whispers. The truth, in love, directly.
Do It Like This
Pray first. Before you open your mouth, get on your knees. Ask God to show you your own heart. Are you confronting out of genuine love, or are you just irritated? Are you seeking their good, or your vindication?
Check your motives. If your goal is to win, you've already lost. If your goal is to restore, you're on the right track. Look at Galatians 6:1
Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.
You're not the judge. You're the brother trying to help another brother.
Choose the right time and place. Don't ambush people in public. Don't confront them when they're already overwhelmed. Pick a private moment. Give them your full attention. Show them the respect you'd want if the roles were reversed.
Speak clearly but kindly. Don't beat around the bush, but don't beat them up either. State what you've observed, explain why it concerns you, and give them a chance to respond. You might be wrong about the situation. You might be missing context. Be humble enough to listen.
If you've got something to say about someone, say it to them first. If you wouldn't say it to their face, don't say it behind their back. And if you can't speak truth directly, at least have the decency to stay silent instead of playing the role of secret accuser.
The body of Christ deserves better than Christians who act like cowards.